2 posts in one day? Why yes, please!

As I write this, everything seems to be changing. I'm at that shadowy crossroads in my life when things start to shift and move and fall into different places. Better places I'm sure, but I am not used to them. When one reaches a certain age one is expected to grow up. Be your age, become who you are supposed to be, meet who you are supposed to be with and be comfortable with all of this at the same time. Who came up with those rules anyhow? They should jump off a cliff or something. I am a product of the age I live in. Had I grown up in the world fifty years ago I would have all of this expected of me much sooner in life. I also would have a more limited option in what I could or could not do. Everyone thinks we're so advanced now. Women have so many more opportunities! So many more options in life! I often wonder if I were born in the wrong time period. If somehow I would be happier if my only option was to marry and marry well, bear children, raise children, and then become an indulgent grandmother all the while desperately trying to keep my husband interested because divorce is not an option. I like the simplicity of it.

Now-a-days you simply have to go to college to make something of yourself, and a woman needs a career like she needs to breathe because what if you never find someone? What if you find someone but he becomes a back-stabbing, woman eating philanderer with a penchant for knocking you around when you voice your opinions? You simply must have a career or you have absolutely nothing to fall back on! It's like the world is trying to fix everything, just in case! It's almost like we're inviting these horrible things into our lives by preparing for them. What if we simply trusted people? What if we knew without a doubt that this is the man you loved and no one else would do? What if we KNEW he wasn't a philander or abuser or anything like that because we took the time to find out everything about him ahead of time? What if we knew divorce was not an option because he's all that you've been waiting for your whole entire life? What if we didn't need a career, or college?

Then who would we be free to become?
What kind of woman would I be?

A lot less confused that's for sure. But sadly instead I'm one of many struggling college students trying to make sense of their life. Trying desperately to nail down a major I can be happy with for the next forty years because who wants to pay and go through this all again?
I think not.
Perhaps you do not agree with me and this is all well and good. I applaud your modern thinking. I wish that mine were one and the same. Just do me a favor will you? Don't ask me what my major is because trust me honey, as soon as I know, you'll know. I won't be trying to keep it a secret. (same goes for the boyfriend.)

Speech

I am performing an informational speech in my communications class next week. I have chosen the topic of suicide. Very bright and cheerful I know, but the teacher wants us to choose a topic we know something about, something we're interested in, something that we can make interesting to others. So, with that in mind, this is what I have chosen.


As you well know suicide is definitely a topic I know something about, being what researchers label "a suicide survivor". This is the term they give for friends and families left behind. I've learned a lot of things I didn't know before but nothing that really gave me an answer for Kyle which I suppose in the end, is what I was really looking for. I can only assume he was feeling some of the things that are on the laundry list of tell-tale signs. Perhaps if we had lived in the same town...I don't know.


Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death.


At least 90% of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable and TREATABLE psychiatric illness.


It is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds.


Some leading signs are:

Hopelessness
Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge
Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking
Feeling trapped - like there's no way out
Increased alcohol or drug use
Withdrawing from friends, family and society
Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
Dramatic mood changes


One thing I learned that I didn't know is that a sudden mood change to happy can be a sign that someone is suicidal. In some instances the decision to kill themselves can make them happy because they finally see what they deem as "a way out."

If you are suicidal and need help, or know of someone who is showing these signs please call

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK for help

One of the wonderful non-profit organizations for suicide prevention is "To Write Love on Her Arms." they have many wonderful t-shirts for sale available at http://www.twloha.com/

This is a real problem, you are not alone. Hope is real and help is available.

Toy Story 3

I don't know how else to do things, other than simply go on as before. So that is what I will do.

I went and discovered the joys of Toy Story 3 last night. Simply a beautiful movie.

I can appreciate the horrors of child care since this is my day to day job. So, yes. Children do stick toys up their noses....and throw them, and smash them into walls and break off various pieces and chew on them. That was real life. Using a toy as a paintbrush however was a tad extreme. No teacher worth their salt would let that happen. Neither is paint and glitter and glue just left out for them to smear everywhere. We do have our limits. It was a fabulous movie though, in particular my favorite part was when Buzz Lightyear gets turned into Spanish mode. I was laughing louder than the children. Seriously funny stuff. If only you could have been in the theater with me. There is just something about a Disney movie that turns me into a child. I laugh, I cry, I turn into a hyper-active squirmy thing that punches the person next to her during certain climatic points in the movie. The best part was my friend that went with me also happens to turn into the same thing so we were very content watching it together. Sadly we were more entertained than the other children in the theater and were also the only adults that attended without someone under the age of 13 in tow.

It doesn't matter.

Magic is magic no matter how old you get and now I have Tangled to look forward too. If the preview is any indication, I will be laughing hysterically throughout this film as well.

Congrats Disney. You're on a roll.

Kyle

I suppose I'm really quite awful at this whole blogging thing. But sometimes I really need to write and its nice to know I have a place where I can do that.

I have a friend. His name is Kyle. We've been friends for as long as I can remember. It's one of those friendships that must have started somewhere but the beginnings are so blurry you can't really remember where it started or how. Our families have known each other forever and once upon a time his best friend dated my best friend so I suppose somewhere along the line that's how we began to know each other. Hes always been a happy guy, a little quirky, really into music. He's always given the best hugs...like he hadn't seen you in years or like you were the only person in the world worth hugging in that moment...like he didn't ever want to let go. The kind of person that when other people talked about him, they smiled. A good person, a happy person. He went to church, he loved God, he loved his family, was loyal to his friends.

On Monday, May the 17th he drove his truck out to a park that he ran in often. He sat there for quite a while, then he took a gun to his head and shot himself. In an instant, this funny lovable guy was brutally taken from this world.

He was 23 years old.

He had a girlfriend, he had a new job as a radiology technician's assistant, he had friends who loved him. I loved him. But he wasn't happy. Someway, somehow, he wasn't happy. His family who lived with him had no clue. His friends who hung out with him had NO clue. No one knows why. None of us understand. And we're all left with this aching. gnawing sadness that won't go away. Some of us can't eat, some aren't sleeping, I tried to go to work today but ended up having to come home because I was crying on the playground with children all around me. I had a headache the size of a mountain and all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep so I couldn't think anymore.

Can you imagine having to pick out a casket for your 23 year old son who you thought was happy, whole, who had this bright future ahead of him? A son who seemed fine but had such inner demons that he felt it right to take himself from this world and all who loved him? Who somehow felt so alone, that he didn't want to live anymore.

He's gone, he's dead and I cannot bring him back. I can't tell him that I love him. I didn't tell him that I loved him the last time that I saw him and I will always regret that until the day I die. He was a wonderful vibrant person who had every reason to live but chose to die.

I will never understand. It will haunt me the rest of my life. No matter how old I get or his family gets, we'll always wonder why we didn't know. What we could have done....if it was something we did. But its not our fault. I have to keep telling myself that. It's no ones fault.

but his.

I will always love you. I will never understand.

Choose life. The people around you love you more than you can ever know. Don't let them show their love at a funeral. Let them love you now. Reach out. Live. Breathe. Find a way to make it better. Don't leave. Stay. You can never know the grief that you'll put them through. Whatever you're going through, the grief you'll leave behind will be ten times worse. Trust me, I know.

I will always love you. I will never understand.

This made my heart stop. I have a thing for hot air balloons. Isn't it lovely? hand stitched with lovely pages waiting for me to write in them. Tres sigh.

www.stitchedcards.com

SHOES

Okay, in case you didn't know I'm a bit of a shoe freak. I love all sorts of shoes from very high heels to flats to wedges to boots to sneakers. I have 6 pairs of converse and an untold amount of heels. My friends often lament they are not my shoe size because they'd like to borrow my shoes. On that count I'm rather glad that I'm a gigantic 9 and a half! Which is not nearly as gigantic as I thought it was cause it seems that lately the stores have been running low on my shoe size. NOT cool. Therefore I resort to online shopping. www.Zappos.com is the best online shoe source hands down. They have a HUGE variety of colors and everything from the really expensive to the more affordable. I haven't even gotten to the best part yet! FREE SHIPPING BOTH WAYS. You save SO much money that way and the packages always come in 2-3 days. LOVE it! Anyway lately I have been coveting these boots....

Which are like a thousand and something dollars. WAY out of my price range but OH so lovely. I want a pair of brown flat boots some kinda bad. Last night I found these.... A little more affordable, but I'm a struggling student so I'm gonna pray they go on sale. Speaking of sales, the reason why I found these beauties is because I was on the Steve Madden website buying these....

Which had finally gone on sale enough that I could justify it to myself. yay! I am a tad regretful I didn't get them in black, it would have been more practical but oh well! They're so pretty! And while I was at it I bought these for only 20 bucks at Target!

I love target. These look better in person. Although the pair I really wanted was these....

a bit too pricey though.

Anyway, what kind of shoes are you wearing (or lusting after) this spring?

sincerely,

Lauren

Slacker

There are no other words for what I've become. It all started when I went to the Library. For some reason whenever I have books, I lose absolutely all interest in anything Internet. I bury myself between their comforting pages and pretend I am far away in some imaginary world in which I will never have to return. Lovely is it not? And here I am with a brand new blog and already I take a 2 week break. shameless.

I'm blaming the books. Books are a wonderful thing. I used to hate to read when I was really young but then my Mother gave me Nancy Drew, and The Boxcar Children, and Harry Potter, and Sweet Valley High... and I was simply lost. There were millions of other worlds out there just waiting to be discovered. I could pretend that everything in life was perfect with a book. I could ignore things that I HAD to do with a book. Like Homework, or cleaning my room. ech. And so my love affair has continued on although I read older books now. How many times have I been lost in the pages of Pride and Prejudice? Or East of Eden? I will confess that I still read Harry Potter and The Chronicles of Narnia. Somethings you never quite grow out of. I also read romance novels. Now, don't judge. But sometimes you need a book that doesn't require you to think. All it asks of you is to curl up and become lost in its words and pages. The plot lines are often predictable but there is simply something in every woman that yearns for a happy ending, and in that with those books I am always satisfied.

Certain books will always haunt you for one reason or another, Kissing Doorknobs, Stepping on the Cracks, The Bridge to Terebithia are a few from my childhood that I've not forgotten. And sometimes I'll be daydreaming and a place, a scene from a book will come to my mind and I'll smile like I'm welcoming an old friend. I don't always remember where it comes from, what book it goes too, but it makes me happy to remember.

So I suppose in conclusion that I encourage you to read. Not just blogs. But a book, a good long book in a cozy chair, under a blanket with rain beating at your window and hot cocoa in your hand. Lose yourself in someone else's imagination and don't come up for air until you have to.

sincerely,
Lauren