L is for the way you Look at me. O is for the Only one I see. V is Very Very extrordinary. E is Even more than I can ever adore.

So. Not gonna lie to you. I'm a woman in love and it's grand. I have found through the process of our entire relationship that I'm actually a pretty private person. Or maybe I was afraid if I wrote about it, it would all somehow dissolve and fall apart and be something I dreamed once and thought, believed was so real. It's not a dream. That I know for sure...if it were a dream it would have all come together so much easier.

It took my man a grand total of ten months to finally tell me he liked me. Liked me. Lets just say I almost gave up on things all together. But somewhere along the line I just knew somehow that it was right and so I hung on as long as I could. So we talked for a while after that and finally he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was very high school but it an endearing sort of way. So by now you could almost say we've been together for a year even though we've ony been dating for a month and 7 days.

It's the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken. We take things very seriously when it comes to relationships....we didn't want to be together if we weren't sure it was going to eventually be a forever situation. So in a way we've already made a big commitment to each other. We plan to get married one day. I would like to graduate first. Sometimes...I go along and I feel like we've been together forever. Then I stop and think... and it's like I can't believe I have someone because I've been without for so long. The Lord had a plan for both of us and he brought us together at just the right time.

He lives very far away from me and that has been a struggle...but in two weeks hes moving in just down the street from me. I'm both elated and nervous. It's a big step and yet it's not because it's just one step closer to where we both want to be.

I had faith that one day God would give me someone and yet on the other hand I had determined that if he didn't it wouldn't change who I was. I didn't want just anyone. I wanted what God had for me.There's a difference. A big difference. I'm happy now in ways I cannot explain. We're very good for each other....I help keep him humble, he helps keep me sane. It works somehow and I don't know how, but God does.

I always wanted a love story. And now I have one of my very own...front porch swings, car rides in the truck after midnight, talking in the rain under a tree, breakfast with waffles, forts in the living room, swimming holes, cookies...

all these things add up to a story that is my man and me and somewhere along the way they also added up to love.

On LM*O

You know, one could not physically laugh ones butt off. Physically impossible. I understand "laughed till I cried" or "laughed till my stomach hurt" or "laughing out loud". But laughing your hindparts off is a bit far fetched. The butt isn't even involved in the laughing process.

Just sayin.

Believe

Whenever one of my kids walks up to me and asks, "Is _____real?" whether its fairies or Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or giant mutating frogs, I simply ask, "Do you think they're real?" Nine times out of ten, the answer is an adamant, "yes." and so I say, "Then they are."

I know without a doubt that it is our beliefs that make things real. Santa is a very real person to them, to them he is real. Certain phobias don't make sense to most of the world, but to that one person who honestly believes in their fear, its very real to them. I find that one of the things I loathe most in this world is a scoffer. Someone who says, "well thats stupid" or "they aren't real" This shows a huge lack of empathy. Empathy is something that makes us very human. It allows us to put ourselves in someone elses shoes and try to understand where they are coming from. Without this ability in life we are crippled and closeminded. Nothing new can be taught to us, nothing different can be introduced because we cannot see past our own reality. Sometimes, life is so much more beautiful if we but for a moment can become apart of someone else. So at Christmas time, I believe in Santa, right along with my class, and at Easter I just know the bunny will pay a visit. Sometimes on the playground I must protect my class from giant mutating frogs, and dragons, and often when they are sound asleep at naptime, the sleep fairy comes to visit with a sticker...and when they wake up and look at me with wonder in their eyes, I know that anything in this World is possible. If I will just believe.

A God thing. Way better than a good thing.

I've done a lot of crying lately, due mainly to blessings in my life. I've watched a lot of wow-god moments happen to other people, like you could literally see the hand of God move in their life. It gave me faith, I've been searching for an answer to something for some time now, and seeing these moments happen to others has given me even more faith that God has an answer for me too in his own good time.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. It was a really bad prognosis too. She asked the doctors, "what if I don't respond to treatment? How long do I have?" they told her two weeks. Two weeks. She had smoked all her life and so surprise! She had lung cancer. She had lung cancer but she didn't have God. She went to church but she didn't have God. I don't know how you battle something like that without him. We all prayed for her cancer, and even more earnestly prayed for her soul. Just this weekend she finally gave her life to the Lord...which was amazing! We were all ecstatic! She was overjoyed, we were overjoyed, but she still had cancer. The very next Thursday, this Thursday, she went to the doctor for her check-up....

shes cancer free.

a-ma-zing.

I hear about stories like this from other people...but I've never known anyone directly that it's happened too. This is NO coincidence. Perhaps the Lord used her cancer to bring her to him...I hope it doesn't take such extremes for everyone. It certainly didn't for me.

This is just one of some amazing stories I've been privy to this week. If he can cure cancer...he certainly can give me an answer about this concern I have in my life.

"I have no other friend beside thee, Oh Lord, won't thou keep me thine own? I need thy helping hand to guide me, for I cannot find the way alone."

For a Little While

There are places like Neverland and Narnia. Places like Wonderland and Terebithia. Places that are beautiful fantastical fairy tales. No matter the name or who tells the story, there is this place that exists...somewhere between awake and sleep...where the boogieman lurks and nightmares creep, where heroes save the day and maidens faint away. Where dragons roar and carpets soar to brand new heights. Where castles stand tall and mountains can fall if only you have a bit of magic. There are no limits to bravery, no limits to the imagination, minds are wide open and the blind can see a beauty that exists in no other place. Oh- this place has many names. It's whatever we believe it to be. Whatever we wish it to be. A haven, an escape. Wouldn't it be nice to live there?
If only for a little while.

mmmm.

"I am enjoying this. This...the friendship into whatever we are now and what we could be. It's great."

awesome line. and it's not from a movie. that's real life ladies and gentlemen.

isn't it grand?

I will soar.

askfhsdofhygoiduglkjga/lkhn/kjahf/sdgups;;;;djhhhhh!!!!!!!

This is how my brain has felt all day today. also,

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

not a good sign.

I think, translated, that means I'm frustrated about many things and am due for a vacation.

on a beach. with a book, and no plans, just peace.(ooh! and a large cone filled with double fudge brownie ice cream which happens to be the best icecream in the universe.)

One day, I will be able to afford vacations.

I think also that I am sad, even though I am hiding it well. I shouldn't be. But I am.

Somedays you just get sick of fighting. Of beating your head against the proverbial wall of life. Of trying so hard all the time and it just....continuing to fall apart. So much effort goes into living...especially into living a life thats lived to the fullest.

Which we all say we want to do but really end up sitting on our bums watching television and stalking the internet, reading blogs, writing blogs and updating our facebooks. The circus could've tromped by our windows and we wouldn't have noticed (side note: how COOL would it be to be a trapeze artist? just sayin')

I will be productive. I will not moon. I will not mourn. I will be upbeat. I will be happy.

I will soar.

Your life is an Occasion

I've found within myself this week something that has been missing for a while. I've been so caught up in other people...in work, in school, in scholarships, in weddings and events I have to go too that I've forgotten to breathe. It probably is more this one person's fault and that's ok...how easy it is to lose ourselves in other people. Your world becomes so crowded that other things fade into the background.

Well these past two weeks have been quiet, and this week is spring break which means I'm simply working all week and so to a certain extent my brain has had the opportunity to simply rest. I've had a lot of thoughts lately....about where I want my life to go and who I want to be. Do you know what simply came to me? Stories. I haven't written anything in so very long that wasn't a term paper or and essay exam...and all of the sudden in the midst of my silence came this creative energy. How wonderful, it feels to be creative again. I've been sketching and drawing and writing and scouring the Internet for inspiring pictures and I do believe I might finish my book this time.

(This is one of the pictures that inspired me. wow.)

I don't want to jinx it.

But I was thinking the other day, how many people my age have had a story to tell, and told it and had it published? I've had this stigma about it for so long. I'm to young, I have to graduate from college first, blah...blah. Well guess what? There isn't a better time than now to pursue the things I want for myself. One day I'll be married with children running around me with a house to clean and food to cook and I will never have the blessed silence that I have now until they're grown. So now I think is the perfect time to focus on me...and then one day I'll focus on everyone else.

Plus if it turns out I'm really bad at this, better to find out now before I'm out of school. A change of major might be in order :) I was watching Mr.Magorium's Wonder Emporium with my class of four year olds yesterday and I had forgotten how much I love that movie. It's magic in a movie and you can't get much better than Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman. Anyway- at the end of the movie Hoffman's character puts his hands on Natalie's shoulders and says,

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

I love that. My life is an occasion. What good are any of us if we don't rise to it. What good are dreams if not a single one ever comes true. I want to be everything I can be in this life.

What about you?

Oscar Rundown

Come on Oscars, really?

Fail.

I am a huge fan of Anne Hathaway, but this year's Oscars didn't work. At all. Poor Anne tried so hard, a little too hard at times and James Franco honestly looked high on weed the entire time. The one time I laughed at him was when he came out in drag and thats just cause he looked hilarious. The Academy Awards try to hard. This is the problem. They want so badly to "appeal" to the younger demographic not getting that the reason Bob Hope hosted for like 18 years was because he was FUNNY.

Guess what? Doesn't matter how old you are, if you are funny you appeal to EVERY demographic, thus boosting ratings.

They gave Billy Crystal a standing ovation for a reason. We were all secretly hoping he'd take over.

That and the hosts didn't really host as much as they just stood there and introduced people. Anne also changed her dress and hair a grand total of 8 times if I counted correctly. Seriously people? Is that honestly necessary? Everytime she came on stage her hair and outfit had changed. Just a tad extreme.
The presenting highlights were as follows....Jude Law and Robert Downing Jr. ...pretty hilarious...recorded Bob Hope, laugh out loud funny, Billy Crystal, Sandra Bullock is always charmingly witty, and I personally got a laugh out of Russell Brand and Dame Helen.

So I guess what I'm saying is, please, please bring Billy back, or ask Steve Martin...or Steve Carell or Zach Galaphenakis (I know I spelled that wrong, please don't make me look it up.) Someone funny, please? please? k. thanks.

On a different note, I was thrilled for both Natalie Portman and Colin Firth, they both really deserved the oscar they recieved.

Young Star Hailee Steinfeld shined in her dress and I want to steal it from her.

oh...and Christian Bale? Shave the obscene growth on your face. thanks.

the. end.

I wouldn't be able to move on from you. Even if I tried.

"Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!"

and yet sometimes, it's not enough.

Sometimes, there are things in life, that cannot be let go all that easily. We feel things slip through our grasp and yet we still cling to the belief that we are still holding it in the palm of our hand. What is empty is empty. What is gone is gone. But the power of believing is so strong, that it overrides everything else. Old feelings ressurect, pain and emptiness, lonliness, regret. And yet I find the purest convictions whose roots lie deep in the heart, is love. Somehow no matter how far you travel, move on, and change, you can look at someone and suddenly just know all over again. It's you. It's always been you, and yet, it's not. How do these circumstances happen in our lives? How do we all manage to grow so far apart? Did we all just stop believing? Did we all forget how to try, and try some more, and try again? I find I don't want to except no for an answer. No cannot be the answer. How do we, any of us, love at all, when moments just keep passing us by? Perhaps those are the hardest. Not love itself. But the sweet memories of what was and could have been.

"One Day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday. What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends."

Something Old I Found

I try not to think of you,
sitting there the way you do.
A smirk on your beautiful face,
marred only by the prideful gleam of your eye,
but when that dissapeared,
and you were as you are
as you truly are,
when all facades slipped away...
your eyes held a happiness,
a glint of laughter,
that took my breath away.

Windows to your soul, you threw open wide,
and let me see through.
Windows to your soul I could fall in love with,
and I did.

Our best moments involved wild laughter
tears streaming down the face
and moments when you think
life cannot get any better
but it does.

You swung me up,
gathered me to you,
and ran away.

No thoughts involved,
no comprehension of the consequences,
wild abandonment of rational senses.

And I let myself get carried away
by the beautiful, colorful, wonderful, version of you
that you showed me.

That I loved.

I foolishly believed in him.
That other you.
I wanted forever,
I got but a day of it.

Before the shadows of future expectations started lurking.
Before the weight of responsibility and words started pressing.
Before people started asking, and talking, and noticing,
that I was by your side.
Before jeckyll became hyde,
I loved you.

One day when you've met your expectations
and risen to responsibility
when the words stop coming,
and people stop noticing who you are
when the curtain falls and your audience fades away,
you'll think of me.

And how I loved you.

You'll mourn then,
what could have been,
and blame others.
Not realizing that you had let them
smother you
and left me behind with nothing but sheepish apology.

And my brain can't wrap itself around my emptiness
and my heart has forgotten my shattered pieces

trying to stave the pain...

trying to bury you in the deep recesses of my brain.

But when the morning touches the sky
in the driftings of the dawn,
as day fast approaches
and my dreams start to lose focus,
you slip in and out
of the the windmills of my mind.
And the worst things about dreaming
is the heartache it leaves behind.

And perhaps one day I'll see you again...

and you'll know that you taught me to love
only a little too well to do good.

With Valentine's Day in Mind

I usually hate Valentine's Day. It being a totally commercially driven holiday backed up by consumerism and Halmark. That and when your single, it sucks. Everyone who is sickening enough on a day to day basis become even more so on Valentine's Day. But for someone with reason to hope....it's less daunting. So with that being said, I will give to you one of my favorite love posts by one of my favorite bloggers, http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/ Her blog is entitled, It's like I'm mmmmmagic! and she is very witty and endearing even though she's had some very rough trials this year. With out further ado....

Then He Loves You

If he always gives you the last bite of his sandwich or the first lick of his ice cream cone, then he loves you.

If he’s seen your high school yearbook photo and says he still loves you, then he loves you.

If he’s counted all your freckles,- even the ones behind your knees, then he loves you.

If, right before sleep, he leans in, buries his nose in your hair and inhales, and when you ask what he’s doing, he smiles a smile that reminds you of a secret and says ‘nothing’, then he loves you.

If he tells you that you make chickenpox sexy, then he loves you. He’s lying, but he loves you.

If he’s laid beside you in a too small bed, in a too dark room and listened as you told him all the ways you feel like you are failing, then he loves you.

If he remembers the name of your arch enemy from the sixth grade and hates her because he knows all about how she started the rumor that you only used boys deodorant, when you didn’t- then he loves you. And he hates her. But he loves you.

If he’s ever attempted to wash your hair because you said that scene in “Out of Africa” really gets you, then he loves you.

If he makes sure that you never have to sit beside his friend Dominic, the one who never washes his hair, calls his penis “Frankie the Pork Sword” and smells like the bottom of a dumpster, then he loves you.

If you are Salma Hayek, then he loves you.

If he’s consumed your mom’s burnt chicken, let your brother win the basketball game and laughed too long and too hard at your dad’s jokes, then he loves you.

If he told you how hard he cried when his dog childhood dog died, then he loves you. Or, he’s made up the story to get into your pants. But he could love you.

If he tells you, “I don’t know how to fix this, but I want to”, then he loves you.

If he sits through “The Hills” every Monday night, then he loves you. And possibly Heidi. But he loves you.

If during hour five of an eight hour roadtrip, he sees you are bored and flips the radio station to a horrifying boy band song and begins to serenade you with his best falsetto, while keeping the beat with his hand tapping your knee, and refuses to quit until you laugh, then he loves you.

If he’s ever bought you tampons, then he loves you.

If, while vertical, sober, and full clothed, and without hope or agenda, he tells you that he loves you, then he loves you.

If he knows exactly what scene in “The Bridges of Madison County” make you cry the hardest, and he waits until the movie is over before he begins to make fun of you for crying in the first place, then he loves you.

If his favourite stories are the ones of you as a kid, if he calls you ‘my girl’ in front of his friends, if he remembers that you like the kleenex with the lotion in it, if he lets you eat his french fries when you know they are his favourite, if he makes small talk with your grandmother when you can’t deal with her crazy, if he tells you that your cute victory dance is worth his own defeat, if he checks the road conditions before you leave for a trip, if he’s ever attempted to sew a button on your favourite dress when you are running late, then he loves you.

If he’s ever fallen asleep holding your hand, then he loves you. Of course he loves you.

Wishing a love like this for you this holiday season and all the days after.

I hope you are loved, and surprised, and deserving, and faithful this Valentine's Day.

-Lauren

On the New Year and Hopes for the Future

First, I share my favorite quote for the start of a new year:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."-Neil Gaiman

So I plan this year, to do everything on that list. That is my resolution. It won't be a hard one to keep and thus I will be satisfied this time next year. Usually I look back on my resolutions and cringe because I had forgotten to do them all, or most of them. This past year I was actually semi-successful, I did two of my resolutions.

I lost 15 pounds and I cut all my hair off.

I have yet however to dye that hair red or drop everything and do the long road trip to California that I've always dreamed of doing.

This trip WILL happen. one day. It will be epic. Me, plus some crazy friends I can convince to go, plus some pre-made road trip CDs of awesomeness, plus a route planned on a map that goes through every random, crazy, site seeing places in America ( like the worlds biggest ball of yarn, or something insane like that) plus the ultimate final destination: Hollywood. Once there become the ultimate tourist where I will definitely go to the walk of fame and measure my hands against hollywood royalty, and then pile up and go back via a different route.

(in case you are living in an alternate universe, this is Audrey Hepburn who is THE epitome of Hollywood royalty. Oh if we could all be half as chic and graceful as she.)

It's on my bucket list. Along with riding in a hot air balloon, traveling the world and bungee jumping off a bridge. Oh! and visiting Harry Potter World and owning my own wand. But that's my geeky side.

Anyway this year I plan to surprise myself, I plan to be epically happy as often as possible, I plan to grow in God, I plan to stand on a beach and dream, to go out of town as much as I'm able, to go to the spa at least once cause trust me honey, once experienced, this is something not to be lived without. I plan to watch every single episode of Bones because this show is my new obsession (seriously? B&B get together already!). I plan to maybe fall in love a bit and hopefully shed a few more pounds...I plan to watch three couples I love get married, to freak out in July when my brother has his first child, to make a 4.0 this semester and in the fall, to turn 23 with grace and style and hopefully some celebration and to burst into 2012 thinking man, what a year! What a ride!

2011, I will own you.

Even though this post didn't happen till the 31st of January.