I wouldn't be able to move on from you. Even if I tried.

"Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!"

and yet sometimes, it's not enough.

Sometimes, there are things in life, that cannot be let go all that easily. We feel things slip through our grasp and yet we still cling to the belief that we are still holding it in the palm of our hand. What is empty is empty. What is gone is gone. But the power of believing is so strong, that it overrides everything else. Old feelings ressurect, pain and emptiness, lonliness, regret. And yet I find the purest convictions whose roots lie deep in the heart, is love. Somehow no matter how far you travel, move on, and change, you can look at someone and suddenly just know all over again. It's you. It's always been you, and yet, it's not. How do these circumstances happen in our lives? How do we all manage to grow so far apart? Did we all just stop believing? Did we all forget how to try, and try some more, and try again? I find I don't want to except no for an answer. No cannot be the answer. How do we, any of us, love at all, when moments just keep passing us by? Perhaps those are the hardest. Not love itself. But the sweet memories of what was and could have been.

"One Day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday. What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends."

Something Old I Found

I try not to think of you,
sitting there the way you do.
A smirk on your beautiful face,
marred only by the prideful gleam of your eye,
but when that dissapeared,
and you were as you are
as you truly are,
when all facades slipped away...
your eyes held a happiness,
a glint of laughter,
that took my breath away.

Windows to your soul, you threw open wide,
and let me see through.
Windows to your soul I could fall in love with,
and I did.

Our best moments involved wild laughter
tears streaming down the face
and moments when you think
life cannot get any better
but it does.

You swung me up,
gathered me to you,
and ran away.

No thoughts involved,
no comprehension of the consequences,
wild abandonment of rational senses.

And I let myself get carried away
by the beautiful, colorful, wonderful, version of you
that you showed me.

That I loved.

I foolishly believed in him.
That other you.
I wanted forever,
I got but a day of it.

Before the shadows of future expectations started lurking.
Before the weight of responsibility and words started pressing.
Before people started asking, and talking, and noticing,
that I was by your side.
Before jeckyll became hyde,
I loved you.

One day when you've met your expectations
and risen to responsibility
when the words stop coming,
and people stop noticing who you are
when the curtain falls and your audience fades away,
you'll think of me.

And how I loved you.

You'll mourn then,
what could have been,
and blame others.
Not realizing that you had let them
smother you
and left me behind with nothing but sheepish apology.

And my brain can't wrap itself around my emptiness
and my heart has forgotten my shattered pieces

trying to stave the pain...

trying to bury you in the deep recesses of my brain.

But when the morning touches the sky
in the driftings of the dawn,
as day fast approaches
and my dreams start to lose focus,
you slip in and out
of the the windmills of my mind.
And the worst things about dreaming
is the heartache it leaves behind.

And perhaps one day I'll see you again...

and you'll know that you taught me to love
only a little too well to do good.

With Valentine's Day in Mind

I usually hate Valentine's Day. It being a totally commercially driven holiday backed up by consumerism and Halmark. That and when your single, it sucks. Everyone who is sickening enough on a day to day basis become even more so on Valentine's Day. But for someone with reason to hope....it's less daunting. So with that being said, I will give to you one of my favorite love posts by one of my favorite bloggers, http://brainyjane22.wordpress.com/ Her blog is entitled, It's like I'm mmmmmagic! and she is very witty and endearing even though she's had some very rough trials this year. With out further ado....

Then He Loves You

If he always gives you the last bite of his sandwich or the first lick of his ice cream cone, then he loves you.

If he’s seen your high school yearbook photo and says he still loves you, then he loves you.

If he’s counted all your freckles,- even the ones behind your knees, then he loves you.

If, right before sleep, he leans in, buries his nose in your hair and inhales, and when you ask what he’s doing, he smiles a smile that reminds you of a secret and says ‘nothing’, then he loves you.

If he tells you that you make chickenpox sexy, then he loves you. He’s lying, but he loves you.

If he’s laid beside you in a too small bed, in a too dark room and listened as you told him all the ways you feel like you are failing, then he loves you.

If he remembers the name of your arch enemy from the sixth grade and hates her because he knows all about how she started the rumor that you only used boys deodorant, when you didn’t- then he loves you. And he hates her. But he loves you.

If he’s ever attempted to wash your hair because you said that scene in “Out of Africa” really gets you, then he loves you.

If he makes sure that you never have to sit beside his friend Dominic, the one who never washes his hair, calls his penis “Frankie the Pork Sword” and smells like the bottom of a dumpster, then he loves you.

If you are Salma Hayek, then he loves you.

If he’s consumed your mom’s burnt chicken, let your brother win the basketball game and laughed too long and too hard at your dad’s jokes, then he loves you.

If he told you how hard he cried when his dog childhood dog died, then he loves you. Or, he’s made up the story to get into your pants. But he could love you.

If he tells you, “I don’t know how to fix this, but I want to”, then he loves you.

If he sits through “The Hills” every Monday night, then he loves you. And possibly Heidi. But he loves you.

If during hour five of an eight hour roadtrip, he sees you are bored and flips the radio station to a horrifying boy band song and begins to serenade you with his best falsetto, while keeping the beat with his hand tapping your knee, and refuses to quit until you laugh, then he loves you.

If he’s ever bought you tampons, then he loves you.

If, while vertical, sober, and full clothed, and without hope or agenda, he tells you that he loves you, then he loves you.

If he knows exactly what scene in “The Bridges of Madison County” make you cry the hardest, and he waits until the movie is over before he begins to make fun of you for crying in the first place, then he loves you.

If his favourite stories are the ones of you as a kid, if he calls you ‘my girl’ in front of his friends, if he remembers that you like the kleenex with the lotion in it, if he lets you eat his french fries when you know they are his favourite, if he makes small talk with your grandmother when you can’t deal with her crazy, if he tells you that your cute victory dance is worth his own defeat, if he checks the road conditions before you leave for a trip, if he’s ever attempted to sew a button on your favourite dress when you are running late, then he loves you.

If he’s ever fallen asleep holding your hand, then he loves you. Of course he loves you.

Wishing a love like this for you this holiday season and all the days after.

I hope you are loved, and surprised, and deserving, and faithful this Valentine's Day.

-Lauren

On the New Year and Hopes for the Future

First, I share my favorite quote for the start of a new year:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."-Neil Gaiman

So I plan this year, to do everything on that list. That is my resolution. It won't be a hard one to keep and thus I will be satisfied this time next year. Usually I look back on my resolutions and cringe because I had forgotten to do them all, or most of them. This past year I was actually semi-successful, I did two of my resolutions.

I lost 15 pounds and I cut all my hair off.

I have yet however to dye that hair red or drop everything and do the long road trip to California that I've always dreamed of doing.

This trip WILL happen. one day. It will be epic. Me, plus some crazy friends I can convince to go, plus some pre-made road trip CDs of awesomeness, plus a route planned on a map that goes through every random, crazy, site seeing places in America ( like the worlds biggest ball of yarn, or something insane like that) plus the ultimate final destination: Hollywood. Once there become the ultimate tourist where I will definitely go to the walk of fame and measure my hands against hollywood royalty, and then pile up and go back via a different route.

(in case you are living in an alternate universe, this is Audrey Hepburn who is THE epitome of Hollywood royalty. Oh if we could all be half as chic and graceful as she.)

It's on my bucket list. Along with riding in a hot air balloon, traveling the world and bungee jumping off a bridge. Oh! and visiting Harry Potter World and owning my own wand. But that's my geeky side.

Anyway this year I plan to surprise myself, I plan to be epically happy as often as possible, I plan to grow in God, I plan to stand on a beach and dream, to go out of town as much as I'm able, to go to the spa at least once cause trust me honey, once experienced, this is something not to be lived without. I plan to watch every single episode of Bones because this show is my new obsession (seriously? B&B get together already!). I plan to maybe fall in love a bit and hopefully shed a few more pounds...I plan to watch three couples I love get married, to freak out in July when my brother has his first child, to make a 4.0 this semester and in the fall, to turn 23 with grace and style and hopefully some celebration and to burst into 2012 thinking man, what a year! What a ride!

2011, I will own you.

Even though this post didn't happen till the 31st of January.

Let every heart prepare him room

As I enter the Christmas season I find that I am excited about a myriad of things. The cold weather (for a season!) the opportunity to bust out my super rad long wool church coat a la Jackie O, Christmas trees (only a real one will do!), caroling, hot chocolate (with marsh mellows!), Santa, his elves, the cheer that comes with giving, the anticipation that comes with receiving, running down the stairs on Christmas morning with family all around....and maybe if you're really lucky...

snow.

I LOVE snow. Perhaps it is because we don't ever get it really, in this part of the world. Snow in the deep south is not something seen often. Last year it snowed maybe an inch and we shut down the schools. Our excuse was the threat of ice but really no one wanted to work or learn when we could play in snow. It's that rare. I remember one year my brother and I built the biggest snowman ever! The bottom was reinforced with a steel rod and he was so fat we had to use fire logs for arms! That was a good year.

Of course the very best part is the true meaning of Christmas. God coming into this world was the best gift we ever got, and it just keeps on giving. My one true thought as I enter this awesome season is a line from the classic song, "Joy to the World" it says, "let every heart prepare him room" When Christ came to this earth there was no room for him in the inn. Mary and Joseph kept getting turned away until at last one innkeeper said he might could squeeze them in the stable. With the animals. How true of a reflection is that of society today? God is always knocking on the sinners door, asking to be let in, to be accepted into their life and time and again he is turned away, or perhaps accepted but only given the stable to live in. How many accept God, but then stick him in a corner and say, "let me handle this?" How many don't truly give him their whole hearts? God deserves everything we can possibly give to him. Our all.

There is another song that says, "all to Jesus I surrender, all to him I freely give, I will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live." and that's the goal. To daily live at the feet of Jesus and try with all our mights to give our life in service to him. For after all, he did that for us and more.

I am blessed to have God in my heart, I am blessed to be apart of an amazing church, I am blessed to have an amazing family who is dedicated to God.

I am thankful for his birth this Christmas season.

What are you thankful for?

2 posts in one day? Why yes, please!

As I write this, everything seems to be changing. I'm at that shadowy crossroads in my life when things start to shift and move and fall into different places. Better places I'm sure, but I am not used to them. When one reaches a certain age one is expected to grow up. Be your age, become who you are supposed to be, meet who you are supposed to be with and be comfortable with all of this at the same time. Who came up with those rules anyhow? They should jump off a cliff or something. I am a product of the age I live in. Had I grown up in the world fifty years ago I would have all of this expected of me much sooner in life. I also would have a more limited option in what I could or could not do. Everyone thinks we're so advanced now. Women have so many more opportunities! So many more options in life! I often wonder if I were born in the wrong time period. If somehow I would be happier if my only option was to marry and marry well, bear children, raise children, and then become an indulgent grandmother all the while desperately trying to keep my husband interested because divorce is not an option. I like the simplicity of it.

Now-a-days you simply have to go to college to make something of yourself, and a woman needs a career like she needs to breathe because what if you never find someone? What if you find someone but he becomes a back-stabbing, woman eating philanderer with a penchant for knocking you around when you voice your opinions? You simply must have a career or you have absolutely nothing to fall back on! It's like the world is trying to fix everything, just in case! It's almost like we're inviting these horrible things into our lives by preparing for them. What if we simply trusted people? What if we knew without a doubt that this is the man you loved and no one else would do? What if we KNEW he wasn't a philander or abuser or anything like that because we took the time to find out everything about him ahead of time? What if we knew divorce was not an option because he's all that you've been waiting for your whole entire life? What if we didn't need a career, or college?

Then who would we be free to become?
What kind of woman would I be?

A lot less confused that's for sure. But sadly instead I'm one of many struggling college students trying to make sense of their life. Trying desperately to nail down a major I can be happy with for the next forty years because who wants to pay and go through this all again?
I think not.
Perhaps you do not agree with me and this is all well and good. I applaud your modern thinking. I wish that mine were one and the same. Just do me a favor will you? Don't ask me what my major is because trust me honey, as soon as I know, you'll know. I won't be trying to keep it a secret. (same goes for the boyfriend.)

Speech

I am performing an informational speech in my communications class next week. I have chosen the topic of suicide. Very bright and cheerful I know, but the teacher wants us to choose a topic we know something about, something we're interested in, something that we can make interesting to others. So, with that in mind, this is what I have chosen.


As you well know suicide is definitely a topic I know something about, being what researchers label "a suicide survivor". This is the term they give for friends and families left behind. I've learned a lot of things I didn't know before but nothing that really gave me an answer for Kyle which I suppose in the end, is what I was really looking for. I can only assume he was feeling some of the things that are on the laundry list of tell-tale signs. Perhaps if we had lived in the same town...I don't know.


Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death.


At least 90% of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable and TREATABLE psychiatric illness.


It is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds.


Some leading signs are:

Hopelessness
Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge
Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking
Feeling trapped - like there's no way out
Increased alcohol or drug use
Withdrawing from friends, family and society
Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
Dramatic mood changes


One thing I learned that I didn't know is that a sudden mood change to happy can be a sign that someone is suicidal. In some instances the decision to kill themselves can make them happy because they finally see what they deem as "a way out."

If you are suicidal and need help, or know of someone who is showing these signs please call

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK for help

One of the wonderful non-profit organizations for suicide prevention is "To Write Love on Her Arms." they have many wonderful t-shirts for sale available at http://www.twloha.com/

This is a real problem, you are not alone. Hope is real and help is available.